Doubling Down on Fear

Posted on April 11, 2024 by kyra333

I recently joined a writing group and had a turn to bring a project for feedback. It can be scary and vulnerable for anyone to solicit feedback from peers, at least it was for me. These peers are much more accomplished writers than I am. I purposely put myself in a group where I have to work hard and have the opportunity to learn from others who have more knowledge in areas where I am weak. I am learning so much, but I was scared and stressed to bring a chapter to the table. So, I thought I would add a bigger scarier thing to take my mind off this first one. 

When faced with something scary, some folks might give themselves a soft landing place in other parts of their lives, where you only do one hard thing at a time. I have done this with other new things or beginnings,  but not this time. Most of the fear was in my head and the only “bad” thing I was facing was hard to hear feedback which I had solicited to get better. So, it was my ego getting bruised, not a medical procedure or job loss type of fear. Those foundation rungs of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs do deserve a soft landing place to sort out the emotional toll of such challenges, but my ego not so much.

The bigger scarier thing I added to my plate, that same week, was to be a substitute teacher, for the first time, in a middle school math class. I have been an elementary, middle, and high school counselor but I have only taught at the college level. I decided to try subbing to earn extra money while exploring the local school district to see if I wanted a part-time job as a school counselor. Earlier that month, in the district substitute training, they assured us that we don’t have to be a subject matter expert in the area of subbing because the teacher would leave work for the students to do and a lesson we might try. 

I made the rookie mistake of thinking middle school would be easier than high school. I had already counted out elementary school due to you having 30 kids all day in the same classroom.  Not to mention that elementary school students also have more bodily fluid issues which I would have to deal with which put another demerit in that category. Discipline for the little ones is easier, from what I understand, as they are easier to scare, I mean handle. But with middle and high school, you get them in batches and for only 50-65 minutes at a time.

I like kids, students, and tiny people as soon as they are old enough to enjoy a game of peek-a-boo. As an introvert I also like my human interactions to be one-on-one or one-on-few. As a school counselor that was my world for the most part. Teaching at the college level was easy, once I got past thinking I had to know everything and be someone other than myself. It turned out, much to my surprise, that I am good at teaching. I think because it’s fun for me and in turn my students–at least based on the feedback I received. That is key: teachers set the tone of the room, if you want them to learn and have fun you need to guide them there. 

If you are afraid of taking attendance on a new system, afraid of say teaching math, or losing control of the classroom that is what you will get to do. We bring the party or the punishment. Everywhere we go, there we are. And that was exactly where I was that Thursday morning in the 5th ring of hell l had jointly created with four successive classes of middle school math students who were not doing their algebraic equations. 

Some of the classes were better than others, all were bad but in different degrees of bad. They were feral and showed no fear.  It turns out I brought a sense of humor to a gunfight and lost. In one of the first classes, three gangly boys tried to sneak under a table draped haphazardly with a tablecloth at the front of the room. They were slow-moving as if being quiet would make them invisible, but it didn’t. I saw the two sneak under the low-slung table and laughed shooing them back to their desks thinking there were just two under there, and then the third slid out. About 10 minutes later one lone kid who must have been way under there out of sight popped out and sheepishly went back to his desk, now embarrassed. It was like a clown car with awkward, flannel-shirted, pimpled, rumpled boys. 

I walked around the room checking in on the students and seeing how they were doing with the large sheet of algebraic math problems their teacher had left for them. In each class, I had one or two students who were math whizzes and willing to act as tutors to help students.  It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it seemed to work.

A highlight of the day was when one student paused, studied me looking puzzled, and mused that I reminded him of someone. In my gut, I knew this would not be good. Head tilted, a languid smile rolled across his small lupine face, and he said,  You remind me of someone, hum. Oh, I know you remind me of the librarian in Monsters Inc.”

Knowing this character to have a gruff voice, glasses, and be a mean blob I used my best gravelly voice shrugging off his jab and answered, “I can see what you mean.” 

The student didn’t laugh at my agreement and gravelly voice just nodded sagely and went back to work. 

On returning home, I pulled up the video and watched the clip of the librarian to see what the student was implying by this caricature of me. It was the funniest and the meanest thing anyone has said to me in almost two decades.  The first thing I thought after watching was how smart the young man was to pull that old and spot-on reference, not to mention his flawless delivery. I wasn’t hurt or mad. I thought it was hilarious and pointed.  

The students were a combination of defiant, shy, ruthless, and Labrador puppies. During each class, I prayed the minutes away.  Time moved slowly with me aging so very quickly. I knew what I was doing wrong but was stuck. Stuck in fear which only offered the option of continuing to do more wrong. I was reactive and panicky feeling stupid, and inept.   I wanted to run away, move, and change my name.  The loss of control, confidence, and common sense amped me up for certain failure, which I achieved with unparalleled success. It was pointed out to me after the fact that nobody got in a fight, there were no angry rants or dashing from the class. Everyone was safe and sound and bored, which turns out can be considered a success in subbing. 

I was proud after the fact that I held my sense of humor when faced with nasty yet ingenious jabs and mischief. I was ashamed I did everything I knew to be wrong. I also forgave myself for being bad at something new. It also took my mind off the feedback from the writing group which had been a difficult and humbling experience. I doubled down on fear by stepping into two new playgrounds where I was a neophyte, upping my ante of vulnerability. I called friends after my day and week and regaled them with these stories and laughed and laughed. 

I only had my ego at stake in both of these cases, a fragile shell of a thing that only tries to prevent me from making mistakes and getting hurt trying to limit how much I embarrass myself. Preventing from making mistakes robs me of growing. The ego’s weapon is fear,  it sends waves of it to discourage me from experiencing discomfort and therefore growing. The ego tries to stop me from becoming vulnerable, so it stays protected, not me actually but it, and it’s the idea of me.  

As I age, I can see how much I have mastered, what I know now that I didn’t when younger.  Yet I am still humbled by how little I know. Understanding I have many more years behind me than in front of me, I am pushed to double down on fear, to push myself to try, to test, to fail, and sometimes to succeed. I believe that these things are what life is made of, especially if I want to live fully. To live fully means I have to crack open my ego and sense of self regularly. It’s messy, scary, and hard, not to mention embarrassing but the learning and the resiliency it gives me are priceless. Oh and of course great stories that bring me closer to others and to understanding the world and myself a little bit better. 

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Change, choices, Fear, foundation of change, Health and Wellness, humor, intent, Learning, mind shifts, Professional, Scars and Skills, Stress, truth, Uncategorized, Vulnerability | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Inside Out

Posted on February 14, 2024 by kyra333

Aging gracefully is pushed by advertisers as a gold standard  which they aim at Boomers, Gen Xers, and certainly catching the attention of nervous Millennials in its wake. The beauty, wellness, financial planning, insurance, including after care for pet, house plants, IV drips for everything from vitality, elasticity in skin and cognitive functions, sexual prowess, hair where you want it, better breath, stronger nails, softer skin, sparkling eyes, teeth, and personality is how they get you. Advertisers promise financial security, strong minds and bodies, and that nothing bad will happen to you as you age if you just buy, use, invest in their product. I am sixty-two. I have lived longer than one of my parents and two of my four sisters. I am happy, mostly well, worried periodically, cranky, stiff, satisfied and in wonder often. Aging gracefully like most things is an inside job. 

At each stage of life there are a batch of advertisers telling us that their product will solve a problem we didn’t know we had. A celebrity spokesperson will insure us that this service or product will make our lives what we want it to be. This was easy to believe when I was younger, I wasn’t too clear what and who I was. I was looking to take my cues from the outside world as to what my life should be, who I should be. I was focused on my outside packaging, looking a certain way to make me feel seen and valued. As an example, I was sucked into finding the perfect shampoo to make my fine, wispy hair thick and lustrous… after a decade I realized that a good haircut, a little product and to stop washing it so much was the first step. The most important revelation was to work with the reality of the nature of my hair instead of what I was told my hair goal should be from outside forces. 

Aging gracefully is accepting and loving who we are and making improvements we want,  and that are possible with what we have. It is about creating conditions for our mind, body and spirit to thrive. It’s understanding who we are from the inside out and then accepting our weird little foibles, quirks, and crusty bits. It’s knowing the importance of turning all the nurturing and kindness we bestow on others back to us. Directing that love and kindness inwards, so we embody it, and it flows from within us outward to the world. This way we are never depleted but rather we share its glow.  We are lit from within. That is the seed of grace, self-love and acceptance in the face of mortality, fear, anxiety, embarrassment and as being seen as less than in others eyes. To love one’s self and forgive our faults and perceived short comings allows us to do that for others, as it becomes second nature to us. 

When you grow older with good humor, it helps grease the wheels of the clown car that is life. I recently had someone tell me she coughed, farted and sneezed almost simultaneously and thought it might kill her.  She was able to laugh at the loss of control of a body that was once hers. Getting used to an aging body with a will of its own is yet another physical transition life has in store for everyone who stops the test of time. We have gone through this all before though, there have been other transitions our bodies have undergone. We don’t shame children when they grow into tweens and teens, we celebrate it. When the baby fat of youth becomes sleek, muscled or honed we accept the process. Not that folks are not trying to market to those changes, but we are not denying them, shaming them or hiding them. 

Aging is a natural progression like the seasons, it is the fall into winter of our bodies. Aging gracefully is accepting the sheet sleep wrinkles for hours after you get up, not thinking twice about them. It’s knowing a cough on a full bladder can be dicey at times.  Being happy to be here now, above ground, grateful to learn, play and dance however creaky, slow, weird that may look. The joy that comes from how it feels is what matters. To express emotions, to be present and loving to ourselves and others as we slide down this last slide. Accepting our busted, sagging parts and happy to still be at the party with those we love. Aging gracefully is living fully, in the moment, with curiosity of what comes next and gratitude with what is happening now. It is accepting the new normal of what our body, mind and spirit can do today not what we think it should do or used to do. Focusing on what our present adventure is and what that is offering us. Aging is a gift at any age. Not everyone gets to stay at this party for as long as they or we would have wanted them to. So, whether you are 25, 45, or 65 don’t take what you have today for granted comparing it to yesterday. That is like driving down the highway looking in your rearview mirror, only seeing where you used to be and missing all that is in front of you. That destination is just regret. Celebrate the life and love you have now in the moment because all moments pass. The art to life is to live it as it happens with abandon, purpose, and gratitude. That means to be here now. 

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Being Open, celebrate, Change, choices, curiosity, Enjoyment, Faith, foundation of change, Giving Thanks, Gratitude, Health and Wellness, intent, mind shifts, Stress, Vulnerability | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

So, What If?

Posted on January 16, 2024 by kyra333

We are obsessed with the new: the new fall fashions, new job, new technology, new possibilities and starting a New Year. Having that clean slate to start again allows us to embrace the possibilities of what if in a good way. We are good at the what if in a catastrophizing way: what if I get a bad review at work, then I lose my job, my house, my spouse leaves, and last shot you are living on the side of the train tracks in a dark made up scenario of stress. We use the what if scenarios that everything goes well but why do we only do this with New Year’s? 

I am proposing using that same optimism far more often. Where each day is a mini version of our New Year and we start with that same clean slate; A palette of what if everything went well, better than expected. Where we shift our mind set to what if today is a new adventure. Where I can test, practice, try and have the most fun I can where I am with whoever I am with? Where I can try my best, I can relax into my life and be here now, or even just really enjoy my sandwich. 

Appreciating small moments we string together can make for a wonderful life. We have the ability to stop waiting for retirement, vacation, the weekend for things to get good. We can dig into the everyday and find the wonder. Having sat at a couple of deathbeds of loved ones, I can guarantee you that at the end of our lives we won’t think I should have worked longer hours, made more money, been thinner, had more muscle tone, had a better house, garden, car, spouse. We look back at what we didn’t do and regret those things, not the small annoyances and unmet fictional expectations we held for ourselves and other. Then there are the times we are the problem creating those bad what ifs, telling ourselves scary stories instead of just being there and figuring it out, sitting in the discomfort of not knowing, embracing the struggle. Maybe not trusting that odd calm we felt and instead interpreting it as waiting for that other shoe to drop, that bad things are coming. Mistakenly thinking that worry is preventative only prevents gratitude and happiness. We forget the other side of the what if coin is what if things go better than I ever imagined. 

Our brain has a negative bias for things that might be dangerous to keep us alive but since we are not worrying about saber tooth tigers, we worry about smaller things then ruminate on them and make them bigger. We also have the ability to flip that script with some mindfulness. What that means is taking advantage of how elastic and pliable our brains are. Looking at what could go right, what is good, finding the positive, the wonderful, the interesting every day all day creates pockets of gratitude. Doing this retrains our brains. We can use the what if game for what if I took that leap and started sending my writing in to magazines, what if I interviewed for that top job, what if I said hello to that person at work that I like and have been staring at for six months and what if everything went well?

We can use each morning as a new day, a new chance to try things, to dream, to begin working out, to learn something new. Studies show us that when we age, if we continue to challenge ourselves and learn we will age better and have better long term mental and physical outcomes. When we open ourselves up to being uncomfortable and take chances, learning something or putting ourselves in new situations our brain works harder, builds confidence, makes us resilient and happier. 

If your first thought is about what could go wrong keep it short and logical in your analysis: not catastrophizing and only working with real world data. Then think of all the ways the situation could go right and analyze those to take advantage of weighing out the data. Use your critical thinking skills to assess big risks making sure you assess both positive with the negative. You don’t have to do this for ordering a coffee, but you might for choosing a partner in life.

If I expect good things to happen, to meet great people, to have fun my brain goes in search and finds things to confirm my bias. If, however I think everything is going wrong, I am inept, the world is a dangerous place my brain will find all the supporting evidence of those truths. The world is always all those things, so what I expect I will see. To balance the negative bias our brain holds requires us to introduce a practice of using the spirit of what if as the possibility of something wonderful happening. This helps switch our behaviors to that belief and open our eyes to those unseen good fortunes. 

This practice of expecting good helps us not live in a Ground Hog situation where we are waiting for the weekend, vacation, retirement, or when I … fill in that blank when we think things will be different or better. This waiting our lives away for when we think things will be different/better is a waste when in fact each morning, we have the power and the ability to do just that. Every day we have the ability to consider what if everything goes better than I ever imagined. It’s a powerful tool in your toolbox of life to curate, engage and actively pursue things that matter to you. That is called living a good life and it can start now. 

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Change, choices, Fear, Gratitude, Health and Wellness, humor, Learning, Stress, Stressed Out, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Revelers Revolt

Posted on December 20, 2023 by kyra333

Twinkle adjusted her aim with the Molotov cocktail to compensate for the eye patch, this blend of hot toddy with bourbon seemed to work best against Santa’s low level sleigh drones he got from Amazon. Her impish smile broadened as the toddy burst into flames on impact raining down liquid fire and sharpened candy canes into Santa’s compound. 

“Hey nice one” yelled Sparkle over the din of Rankin and Basses soundtrack of Burl Ives burble of Holly Jolly Christmas. Twinkle shrugged and reloaded thinking back to just a week ago when all was well, they were making toys in Santa’s workshop sipping nog and laughing.

There was a high whine and Twinkle threw herself into a snow bank on the edge of the gumdrop forest for cover. The snow and confections exploded into the air in the spot she had vacated with a whump. 

Holly ran up from behind, her peppermint breath raspy and loud, “Let’s pull back to the workshop” she puffed  “ I think we have some causalities.” 

Holly’s bright blue eyes blinked rapidly, like last year’s Jolly Molly Dolly  “we need to regroup and assess.” Twinkle nodded threw the readied toddy toward the enemy and followed belled shoes tinkling as she ran. 

Twinkle slipped in the workshop as the Chief Elf Jingle talked. His usually smooth albeit high voice was rough, his elf suit was singed from the top of this bell tipped cap to his pointy shoes. The whole workshop smelled from the earlier dropping of bombs made a potent mix of cinnamon, ginger and clove. They all were coughing for hours hacking lungs full of industrial grade ginger bread mix. 

“ Look people we need to hit hard. Take the old man down and fast or we won’t last the week. Brickle how are supplies?” He looked to his second in command.

Brickle was a tall elf as elves go almost three feet,  less jolly but a hell of an engineer and toy maker. Her work in injection molding plastics is legendary. She nodded stepped onto floor, stopped checked her list twice and began. “ We are down to a gross of Molotov toddy mix, two dozen fruit cake bombs for the catapult and 50 candy cane spears for hand to hand.” 

Sparkle sidled over to Twinkle “Hey ,what really set it off” Sparkle asked  “I wasn’t there” he whispered. His ginger hair was matted with sugar sweat and bits of pinecones. “ Twinkle leaned back against the old timbers and sighed readjusting her glittery eye patch again and  twisted her mouth down. “Come on Twinkle you were there tell me. Is it true Santa was going to age some of us out and outsource to Amazon? Twinkle picked at her green velvet jacket trying to get the clumps of gum drops off. “No”, she whispered barely shaking her diminutive yellow haired head. “ Was he was getting rid of candy corn from the canteen?” Twinkle shook her head again not tearing her gaze away from her the crowd of elves arguing about trying to persuade the reindeer to help them, who were staying neutral they knew who the hay maker around here was. 

There was a deafening explosion, and the workshop shook sending glitter and sawdust everywhere. The elves took cover under the work benches strewn with toys, electronics and the new line of J Lo holiday glitter all over makeup. Jangle yelled to stay under cover while Brickle urgently worked the walkie-talkie for an update from the Sentry Bungle which did not bode well for anyone. There was a crackle then his voice reported that the distillery site was hit and there was hose damage.

The emergency repair team jumped into action to address the direct hit. Twinkle being chief health and safety officer joined the team and took off out the back door to help. On the mad dash across the gumdrop forest, she remembered her last talk with the Clauses. 

Twinkle talking to Santa about moderating his nogging it up as the scales were tipping higher and higher. Reminding them the reindeers were getting older to have to lift his weight. Mrs. Clause was frustrated with Santa’s extreme weight this year and not being able to get life insurance due to his excesses of candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup. In addition, was this year’s extra creamy nog and barrels of bourbon were just too much. Twinkle tried to placate both sides knowing this was a fine line and luckily, she had tiny, belled feet to walk it. 

“Santa, Twinkle cajoled maybe a little yoga, or walking could keep you from tipping into the danger zone.” Mrs. Claus frustrated nodded her round apple cheeked head vigorously causing springy grey curls to bounce. Santa looked at the two sets of pleading eyes however blurry and nodded how bad could a couple of stretches be? Twinkle demonstrated a modified Warrior One pose and urged Santa to follow. He struggled but managed to recreate enough of a semblance of the pose when Twinkle added just a slight arch in her back and Santa followed sweating and swaying as he stood in front of Twinkle. 

“Great, and one more long reach back” Twinkle said soothingly when there was a pop, pop, pop and Twinkle grabbed her face in pain. As Santa arched his back the buttons of his jacket popped off in all directions one hitting Twinkle nearly putting her eye out. The exact reason the elves did not make anything like a Red Ryder BB Gun.

As Twinkle approached distillery site for the repairs the main still was intact but the hoses were damaged, nog and bourbon were everywhere. As she helped with the clean-up and repair, she remembered  Mrs. Clause screeching “I am done with this, I am putting my foot down come January the whole North Pole will be on a juice cleanse and participating including Dry January no negations.” That was Day One of the Revolt.

– Cheers Kyra

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

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Veronica Mars to the Rescue

Posted on November 9, 2023 by kyra333

I write about mental health. I write about stress, making mistakes and trying to hold center when everything starts to spin around you like a tornado. It is hard to hold center, to remain calm when the people in your head are bailing non-existent water, planning elaborate escape routes, and are what-ifing you to death. It is important to be prepared but to obsess about what if before the IF happens much less have a plan A, B, C, D is not good. I try to stick with a solid plan A and a half assed plan B but sometimes my brain wants to do the alphabet song in emergency preparedness in a very bad way. The cognitive gymnastics to problem solve real problems much less the fictional problems is exhausting and can lead to hours and sometimes days down a deep warren of rabbit holes that go nowhere.

There are many tools I use to try to pull myself back and put things into perspective and recently I needed to pull the big guns out, no not medication though that helped in my early days of taming my brain. No, these big guns were more along the line of finding a good TV series to sooth me and give me some respite from drama, worry, and those rabbit holes. I have a must watch list of movies and shows, that others have recommended, for when I want to mix it up or disappear into something quick without endless scrolling. I perused my list and found the series Veronica Mars. I had heard about it for years. I thought it would be perfect.

What I needed Veronica for was to have a few hours in the evening to forget that I might be losing a dependable source of income from teaching a university class that I have taught since 2014 . The class was struggling to get students enrolled and was on its way to being cancelled. I had done all I could do, the folks tasked with filling the class were trying their best. My other class was healthy and fine but losing that large chunk of change from the loss of this class would leave a mark. That mark being a loss of digits in my checking account. I was stressed on top of other stressors, so I turned to my first love: stories, in the form of books, TV, movies and in bad times something serialized to carry me through. During the early days of Covid that was the Great British Baking Show and Schitt’s Creek. In my younger days, it was Starsky and Hutch, Berretta, Hill Street Blues, West Wing, ER and later The Office, Parks and Rec, The Good Place, etc. The act of sliding into a character’s life, drama, redemption, conundrum where problems are solved somewhere between 22 and 49 minutes is soothing like a cool bath on a hot day. 

The camaraderie I feel hanging out with known characters, fictional co-workers and friends provides ease, distraction and laugher where there has been none before tuning in. I jumped into Veronica Mars knowing it had an avid fan base who later funded a Veronica movie. I knew it was a teenage detective type of situation maybe with shades of noir which all sounded great. Between the early 2000’s fashion, the San Diego location of the shoot—a place I lived for very long time—and the fabulous banter circa 1930/40’s screwball comedy and noir, I was sucked into the series faster than a circus tent religion.

Hanging out with Veronica gave me a mental break during the day and I looked forward to the characters shenanigans and the will they/won’t they mystery of all sitcoms with a romantic plot line. It balanced the frenetic emails and last-ditch effort to save an orphaned class and waiting for the death sentence. Sometimes when I am waiting for an outcome that is out of my control, I need to find things that are in my control to sooth, to give me perspective. Focusing on things I can control, making sure I am getting sleep, eating healthy, moving my body, writing or journaling, spending time in nature and with friend are all things can do that help steady myself. That also means trying to use my critical thinking skills rather than panic, and the mental vacation I got nightly let me do that. It helped me to find solutions for my Plan A, and half assed B for if and when that axe came down. 

I am not a patient person so waiting for something to unravel is hard especially when I don’t have the control to pull the plug. This class was saved last minute last semester and I was told it was unlikely that would ever happen again. Sometimes my lack of patience moves me to jump the gun and create an ending faster than is warranted or sensible. Knowing when to leave, when to end things is important but not always clear. In instances where there is no clarity or we don’t have control of the outcome, learning how to let things go, witness what is going on or live with uncomfortable feelings can lead to growth and/or a new skill. Surprises you don’t see coming emerge in that waiting. 

To ease the waiting process, I plugged into Veronica to watch a precocious wise cracking teenage girl exude a hard-boiled detective and cranky teen demeanor while solving case after case with snark, creativity and middle finger to the people in power that did bad things. And yes, the parallels and the irony in that synopsis is not lost on me.  Add to that coincidence, the season when Veronica graduates and goes to college, she was on the very campus where I teach. I had no idea until I watched the show, and it was bittersweet. 

Distraction in short doses is a reprieve and a good tool, however distraction as the only tool and a way of life is a disaster. As an example, using distraction in short doses by reading a great book, meet a friend for coffee interrupts the negative thought pattern and rumination. When I am spinning finding soothing activities unhinges my amygdala, my lizard brain that only offers me a menu of Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Finding things to distract it, to make it let go of the panic, helps slow down and stop the catastrophizing, the rabbit holes of worry and come back to the knowledge that everything can and will be figured out, that this is just another bump in a very long road of life. 

Spending time focused on Veronica’s drama gave me perspective and a bit of humor and calmed my busy brain. Having a break from my own dramas helped me remember that I can pivot, that I have tools and resources, that the loss of income can be fixed, I have done it before and can again. Recognizing my situation as a fork in the road that I did not see coming is like all good plot lines: the main character can’t see the big picture while it is unfolding.  Looking back, we see that a little past all that drama there is growth for the character, a reveal of the solution that makes the drama, the dilemma inevitable.  We wonder how the character, and us because we are all the star of our story, can’t see that this problem was just another chapter in a long story, remembering there will always be drama, wins and losses, struggle and redemption. We are all on what Joseph Campbell termed “A Hero’s Journey” each of us creating our story as we move through our adventure. Sometimes it is okay to stop, take a break and tune into someone else’s story like a precocious wise cracking teenage girl exuding a hard-boiled detective and cranky teen demeanor while solving case after case with snark, creativity and middle finger to the people in power. Hanging out in someone else’s story for a little bit to take a breath, regroup, have a little laugh and gives us a rest and can make it easier pick ourselves up again and get back out there on our own road of adventure. 

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Change, choices, foundation of change, Health and Wellness, intent, Learning, mind shifts, Professional, Stress, Stressed Out, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Where am I going?

Posted on October 12, 2023 by kyra333

It is not unusual for me to wake up and say a little prayer of thanks that I am on the right side of the dirt. I think about my day and am grateful for the chance to do it all over again in a Happy Ground Hog Day moment. There are other days I think, really, what is the point, where am I going? I can hear the giant hamster wheel of life squeaking in my head and heart. Those are the days where I need to dig deep and try to remember where I am going and who I am. Not in a fifth of scotch way but in an existential what does it all mean way. 

Step one is always stumble out of the bed try to give a little stretch if not find caffeine and come to the blank page to write. When we explore our thoughts by writing or by talking things out with others, we engage parts of our brain using language and problem solving in a very different way than just thinking provides. When we are thinking in circles and ruminating it only leads us down worn tracks of the neuropathways that we use over and over to confirm our biases. By talking it out and/or writing we experience the phenomenon where someone asks us what we think about something we have longed mulled over but what comes out of our mouth is a surprise to us. In those moments we are not stuck in worn brain grooves but rather exploring new territory. We problem solve well in conversation and in writing where we engage other parts of ourselves, bringing more of the body and brain to the party as well as other’s insights. 

Coming to the page for me reminds me what I love, what I hate, what matters to me and who matters to me. It reminds me that I don’t have a map to where I am going so much as I am hunting and pecking for my way forward, like I do with the keys when caffeine is high, and my spidery fingers are flying on the keyboard.  The angle of me, of you, of all of us is off center and unique. The singularity of being human in a community of connectedness is that we are all in struggle, in transit, in joyful discovery and soul emptying loss. We do this wandering together in a parallel play for most of our lives but in our most shining moments we deeply connect, love, share,  discover and create. 

For me, the page is my canvas for exploration. For others, it is other forms of art: the field of athletics, the nurturing of children, gardens, and critters. Some folks are drawn to the teasing out and problem solving of big and little questions. Each of us has places we come to find our self again, to find meaning again. It can be houses of worship, a dinner table with those we love, a quiet walk in a familiar wood, lacing up sneakers for a run. We all have touch stones to come back to self, to ask those big questions, where am I going, who am I? What matters to me? 

Pay attention to the places that make you feel calm, places that let your mind wander over big and little questions. Places that set you right in your skin and lighten your step. Make sure you put yourself in those spaces regularly like you brush your teeth, get dressed in the morning. Prioritize building these things into your schedule as you would any obligation to others, but this obligation is to you. Taking time to think about who you are and where you are going in an honest, real way allows you to chart your way into a life, a daily life that is balanced, that feeds you instead of depleting you. 

To go anywhere we have not been we need to put two pieces of data into a navigation system to get to our destination. The first is where we are going. We have to know in general where we want to end up, i.e., a store. We don’t have to know what parking space at the store we are going to, but we have to know where the store is. The other piece of data we need to enter is where we are, not where we think we should be, or where a “better version” of ourself is. You would never put that kind of fiction in a navigation system. Imagine using the house you hoped you would be living in as your starting point: it wouldn’t work. So, why do we do that when making life decisions? If we want to go somewhere in life, we have to be honest in knowing where and who we are and roughly where we want to go. We have to tell the truth to ourselves, but our brain is good at making us believe things that are not true. It tries to protect us from perceived danger, even if that perceived danger is a roller coaster, a side hustle as an artist, telling someone we are sorry or that we love them. Being uncomfortable and failing are not danger they are growth.

By going to your page, your spot and being, or talking to someone you can find your way past the scary, the confused, the road blocks you might have put up in your head, so you don’t get hurt, don’t fail, don’t embarrass yourself. Only when we are vulnerable is when we know we are in growth, we are learning, we are extending out past comfort zone to the next place in the road for us. Making sure that we are not lying to ourselves and pushing past what we think we can do to where we want to be but are scared to go. That is what those pages, runs, and forest walks let us explore in deep conversation with our selves first and then others the reality of our desires. 

Sometimes we find our places and playgrounds where we puzzle this all out as children. Other times we find them later in life, these spaces can change and shape our lives if we remember to use them and forget our To Do’s, external expectations, the fiction of fitting in and denying our light, passion and purpose. That coming to whatever is your page, playground and finding your purpose and meaning to get out of bed those cold dark mornings is the best tool in your tool box of life. Don’t put away those childhood dreams, set them ablaze with passion and get out there to make a life that fits you rather than the other way around!

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Being Open, Change, choices, Faith, Fear, foundation of change, Gratitude, Happiness, Health and Wellness, humor, intent, Learning, Stress, Stressed Out, truth | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Good Shit

Posted on September 14, 2023 by kyra333

Life is a potpourri of the good, the bad and the ugly. There is beauty, calm, creativity and conversely there is heartache, confusion, and struggle. Both good shit and bad shit happens to us as part of our everyday lives. This much I have always understood, the balance, the feast or famine, the yin and yang of existing. What I didn’t understand until much later in life is all the shit is ultimately good shit. Bad things happen yes, but our growth from those things can be excellent fertilizer for change, for redemption, for later happiness. Tragedies are the seeds of resilience. Not all bad things garner these results, but many can. 

Looking back at the untimely death of my youngest sister Amy at 36 to leukemia forced me to grow and change in incalculable ways, from how I live my life, my daily gratitude, to my what the fuck attitude knowing I can be gone tomorrow make today count. Was it all worth not having Amy longer, no, absolutely not, the timing of  her exit was not my call. It was up to the one-eyed cat at the big roulette wheel in the sky. I was able to use Amy’s death to redefine my life and choose a different way to be, that bad shit let me see the fragility of life and pivot for the better one.

Not everyone chooses to take a tragedy and come away years later with learning and gifts. Amy’s death put the last nail in my mother’s coffin. Though my mother lived another 15 years her heart was broken beyond repair, she was angry at life and retreated. She retreated to the degree of cutting off all but a couple of relationships and none of those were with her children. She rolled up the sidewalks in her life, sold what was left to the circus and ran away. When bad things happen, we have a myriad of options. Over the years since Amy’s death our choices, my mother’s and mine, are just examples on the menu. Not all my choices were positive and not all of hers were negative, I hope. What  they all were was part of the murky mix of adjustments, emotions and reactions. 

Ultimately, I try to remember when bad shit is happening, pushing and tearing at my ideas of what I hoped my life or day would look like that I can allow grace to come in and release my ideas around control, my To Do list and all things Virgoan. Sometimes we slide into a bad shit zone where things we didn’t want to happen stack on top of each other creating a bad shit sandwich.  When this has happenes, more often than not, I am in a very different place a year later, sometimes a different job, location, or sometimes a new place in my head and heart. It was like the Universe came in and yanked me off a path shuffling me onto the road less traveled or one that I had avoided because it terrified me. 

What is most difficult of being yanked off a path is that it creates so much confusion. What is going on? Is this a blip or is this the place I am now? I don’t know where I am and what to do? Questioning my life, my goals, my purpose, and when on fact it is bad thinking mentally backtracking wondering  and  if I missed a turn back up the road or was I hyper-focused on the wrong thing? Hyper focusing on the wrong thing is common. We do that all the time, right? Graduate from school, find a partner, find a job, have a family, get a raise, buy a house, do, do, do, check, check, check. When things implode, we look up at this text book of life that doesn’t always resemble who we are and what we want. We were just following the pattern that others set down. What if everyone is doing that and nobody is making a life and creating their own pattern? 

Creating your own pattern is what can happen when we are pulled out of our life by some of that bad shit. It forces us to look at how we feel, what we think, really think. We tune out the To Do’s and take stock using our internal compass. The one we forgot about, or never met, our soul, our inner voice, our true north. The pattern, the path that hard yank lands us in is a new land and we are a stranger in a strange land of us. Here is where the work starts, with a counselor, a book, a coach, a journal of unlocking ourselves and starting a dialogue with our present wants and needs. 

It is always the bad shit that can push us into change, but we all don’t go willingly, or at all, but we have a chance at redemption and meaning when we do. The reality is we don’t change much less learn when everything goes according to plan, when good shit happens. We sail through good days, good shit congratulating ourselves on good choices, good genes, being organized, or smart but mostly we are unconsciously muddling through our life just trying to check those boxes we set up years earlier without ever revisiting those choices again. The pattern, the plan the thing that everyone else is doing so it must be right? Right? No, just like fashion one size does not fit all. It never has and never will. That is just marketing bullshit. So, the next time bad shit yanks you out of your shoes stop, pay attention, listen to your soul, your song, your internal guidance system and know that bad shit is just fertilizer for the changes you are about to make. Things will be murky at best for a while, there will be crying, swearing, massive confusion as things get darker before they get light but when they do, if you choose to show up for yourself the result will be better than you could imagine. So, hold tight as the shit hits the fan it’s going to be a bumpy ride. 

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Being Open, choices, Faith, Fear, forgiveness, foundation of change, Gratitude, intent, Learning, life and death, Manifestation, mind shifts, Scars and Skills, Stress, Stressed Out, truth, Uncategorized, Vulnerability | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Badass Barbie

Posted on August 9, 2023 by kyra333

As I look out my office window, sitting on the window sill is a retro Barbie from the 1970’s. I had one like it as a child which I mutilated over time with haircuts, garish makeup curtesy of markers that smelled like fruit and she now resides in a landfill somewhere on Long Island in about the same condition I would think. This one I now look at is clearly not that Barbie. She is pristine and impeccably dressed with a bottle of champagne at her elbow. This Barbie belonged to my sister Amy who died from leukemia on August 9th, 2006, at 36.  Amy’s diagnosis came out of thin air like a lightning strike, quick and deadly then silence. Diagnosis to death was about eight months.

 Amy’s retro Barbie along with her fabulous clothes and accouterments i.e., champagne,  was a gift from Amy’s friend Diva to cheer her up when she was in the bin. We called the hospital the bin because well it was a type of incarceration, dark, dangerous, bad food and careless professionals. That is not to say there were not very caring nurses, they were angels. The doctors however were arrogant, humorless and without humanity. They saw her as a case, a puzzle not a person.  When the big wheel in the sky which dictates when your number is up chooses, it’s a shitty lottery. I have Barbie now.

Amy is and was hilarious. Before answering any of the doctor’s cancer questions she would quiz them about things like what is their favorite pie, dead president trivia, whatever would add balance and humor to being powerless and looked at like a disease instead of a person. This being a teaching hospital, that meant all the little doctorlings that waddled after the doctor into her cramped dank room had to answer her questions before she answered theirs. Nobody could chisel, strip or chemo out her humanity, humor, or intelligence no matter how bad things got, and they got horrible. 

Holding on to ourselves no matter what the winds of fate do, the world does, our bodies do is the kind of resolve and strength I find rare and wonderful. It is something worth striving for, that holding center, holding kindness, keeping our sense of self and humor intact. I don’t think a lot of people are conscious about how they move through the world, what imprint they leave and being true to who they are as they succeed, struggle and flounder. Who we are changes over time, but I don’t think our core does, our soul. Sometimes we adjust to uncomfortable feelings and circumstances by slathering things over ourselves creating a façade to make the situation  and us more palatable to those around us or ourselves. This practice of creating barriers between ourselves and others, ourselves and our soul is the best description of how to get lost in the wilderness of life. When we lie to ourselves, we lie to the world. That is not to say we don’t grow and learn and change, we do. Most of those things are in service to our core tenants, principles or values.  If the adaption and change is not moving us toward ourselves it is moving us away in service of hiding, blending, denying. 

Amy was weird, nerdy, and brilliant also not easily understood by herself or others for most of her life, I think. She got clearer about who she was in the last couple of years of her short life and definitely during her time in the bin. Amy’s final clarity and early exit is a reminder for me almost daily to make my life count.  I am now older than my father was and two sisters were when they died. Aging is a privilege to me not a thing to be fixed, tucked, trimmed, toned or denied. It is an opportunity to play, to learn, to help, to nap, to create and be fully here as my true self now. Be all in, be me unapologetically, be odd, goofy, confused and forever becoming what is next. Becoming what is next and being unapologetic about it is a radical thing and very bad ass, very Barbiesque, if you ask me. Barbie moves from career to career, Ken to GI  Joe, dream house to beach house, not to mention the plethora of styles and vibes and she is always Barbie. She just rolls with the times, changing and growing and walking on her tip toes for the last 64 years. 

We know bad stuff and trouble will show up to our door, like it did for Amy. Trouble, like Pizza Hut delivers so don’t go looking for it. Worrying about what bad things might be delivered is a waste of time. Worry is not preventative. The reality is we never see bad things coming and we ruin the sunny days by worrying about when the rain might come. Instead, why not consider rejoicing what we do have, our current life, loves, and struggles and be fully ourselves in it. Being ourselves fully is the gift of a well lived life, damn if Barbie isn’t the icon for that. So maybe we all can embrace our badass Barbie and be who we want, when we want and create a life that embraces all the good things life can offer us. Worry about the rain when it arrives. When it does, grab that bottle of champagne, a great outfit, your humor and Barbie rainboots and go jump in the puddles while you can.

 -Cheers Kyra

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Being Open, celebrate, Champagne, choices, Enjoyment, Fear, Fun, Health and Wellness, humor | Leave a comment

The Right Tool

Posted on July 12, 2023 by kyra333

My dad always taught me that you need the right tool for the right job. He was a construction worker who built or retrofitted a good number of the buildings in the Manhattan skyline. His father who was a carpenter for the New York City Library who shared his skills with him. My father had five daughters, no sons, so when something needed to be done, we were brought in to help. As we moved out of the house, he assembled us a tool kit, so we had the basics to take care of ourselves. Growing up my sisters and I helped add an addition to our home, putting up sheet rock, laying floors, hauling stone or rock, whatever was needed. When you grow up doing something you don’t think about it and assume everyone has had the experience you did. It also helped that my mother was a MacGyver of sorts too. She was an incredibly creative and could fix, paint, plant, or rig up whatever she needed to solve a problem cheaply. They were  “make do” and keep things running kind of folks. During most of my childhood money was in short supply. This instilled some of the same ideals, skills and tolerances for fixing and dealing with broke shit. 

Growing up we had a TV early on and it was the center of our entertainment until my mother would kick us out of the house telling us to go blow the stink off ourselves. She would follow that up with “don’t come back inside unless you are bleeding and use the neighbors’ bathrooms.” Many of us read too but TV was king for after dinner entertainment for the entire family. That black and white TV logged millions of hours, long past it’s prime. Other families upgraded to color, what we did was guess at what colors the dresses were on the Miss America Pageant. Those were the days you had to get up to change the channel, in fact I was the one closest to the set often appointed channel monitor. It didn’t hurt that I read the TV lineup every day and most knowledgeable about our viewing options for the evening. Not hard to do as this was back when there were about five stations and no cable. 

When the TV’s channel dial finally wore out and the dial would spin freely like a top on the nub my dad got a needle nose plier and gave it to me to use to grab hold of that nub and change the channel. We didn’t need to buy a new TV much less a knob, we just needed to keep the pliers on the top of the TV. Which we did for years. When I got into high school in the mid 70’s the TV finally gave up the ghost and died. Then my folks upgraded to color. I got finally got to see the dramatic change from black and white to color in the Wizard of OZ for the first time when I was fifteen years old. I knew it happened but had never seen it until then. Over the years I was the TV tech, adjusting color, brightness, and of course channels. I would come home from college to see my parents watching orange people on the TV instead of adjusting the color. My mother explained that my father had suggested they  just wait for me to come home for Thanksgiving rather than mess with it. 

Over the years my resourcefulness has been both good and bad. Like my parents sometimes I live with circumstances and people long past the get rid of date. I don’t do this because I think I deserve less, my first instinct is to tweak, adjust, adapt then after that doesn’t work assess the bigger picture. In looking at the bigger picture I then make the best choice for the overall quality of life. When situations start to cause friction in our lives, it generally starts small, like water flowing over the stone, we don’t see it making grooves or wearing the stone down  with our eyes in real time but rather we see over time, when we pay attention. That slight friction starts to rub harder, get to be more of a bother, a frustration or ache. Ultimately if not addressed the problem slowly moves up into causing pain in small waves, then increasing in more discomfort. 

All of this is not unlike the frog in hot water example. If you put a frog in hot water, it jumps out immediately but if you put a frog in cold water and turn the heat on low until the water gradually boils the frog doesn’t notice and it kills the frog. I think in many instances we are in situations that morph and change over time, jobs, relationships, living circumstances and we are happy at first. However, over time things change, we change, the job, relationship all change, and it is no longer a good fit. This can happen slowly. By being connected to our bodies and noticing how we react to stimuli is a great early indicator when things start to head south, but few of us are connected to our bodies. We are raised to think our way through life, to reason, to plan, chart and analyze. I am not saying these are not good tools. They are only good if you use the appropriate data. We don’t always, we discount our feelings, our bodily reactions even when it is visceral, and our intuition. All of these tools are some of our oldest and have always been at our disposal in creating better lives. 

Many times, those adjustments are all we need. We have come into a culture where we dismiss any discomfort or inconvenience and impulsively throw out a person or circumstances instead of tweak, adjust or be uncomfortable enough to lean into the learning curve of the lesson that is being presented to us. We live in a disposable world and have for decades. That is changing with the recycle, reuse and repurpose mentality that has blossomed.

What I find the hardest part in this process is to be able to tell the difference of what is healthy uncomfortable growth and what is unhealthy avoidance, stubbornness, blindness or ennui? I find the body helps here most. It holds the key to what fits and what doesn’t. More often than not the scary thing that pulls at you, the hard thing, the thing we think we cannot do is often the right thing. Sometimes growth and change happens in an instant, or we manage to do it in leaps and bounds, other times, many times it is at a crawling pace and painfully slow. Just like the water eroding  the rock over time it is not always visible to the naked eye but non the less it is happening. 

Even in using these tools, concepts and methods to figure out if what is happening is a healthy release of things that no longer serves me or am I or staying in the unhealthy to avoid the unknown.  The assessment of what being uncomfortable means in that situation is key, uncomfortable happens at the beginning of good things and at the end of things that no longer fit us figuring out which is which is the hard part. That being said I also used a needle nose plier to adjust my gas stove for 13 years in my old apartment after melting the knobs the first week I moved in. So, there is that… that thrill of MacGyvering a fast unconventional solution as a quick fix too. Wisdom is knowing what’s the right tool for the right job and a lot of times it’s a needle nose plier.

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Change, choices, curiosity, Fear, foundation of change, Health and Wellness, humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The trick of balance 

Posted on May 18, 2023 by kyra333

I have always strived to find a balance, a place where I am not running through my life with my head down just trying to get through busy days of To Do’s, work demands, eating well, exercise, chores, social responsibilities, etc. I always had this crazy idea life should be enjoyed not endured. Not enjoyed just on vacations and weekends but every day, most of the day. Crazy I know. So, I started this journey of curating my life, building in more good moments, savoring them when they happened and plotted how to build in more. In this quest I realized a well lived life is about many small perfect moments and being present. It was not big things, though those helped, but loads of small things like appreciating that first sip of coffee. The way the sun poked out between the trees at sunrise making the duskiness start to sparkle. The kid with the too large backpack trudging to the bus stop with his shoe laces flapping about with every step. I started to notice the impermanence of life, the fleeting moments of the ordinary which became beautiful. 

I learned to slow down my racing thoughts and directed into the world to notice what was happening around me, the clouds in the sky, the feel of my nubby sweater against my skin, a conspiratorial smile with a coworker in a too long meeting.  I started to be more consistent about creating small spaces of appreciation for what was spinning all around me. This made me more aware of where I was giving away my time to things and people I didn’t need or want to. Not in a bad way, I just was busier than I wanted to be but felt pressure to do these things that didn’t interest me. I started to look at where I could pull back and reallocate time to things that made me feel like I was in charge of my days or redirect what I was doing in ways that I felt invested in. 

One of the keys in this process I have found was learning to say No. Having set phrases like “no thank you” and “thank you for thinking of me I can’t”, was the first step to slow the roll of  saying Yes to things I didn’t want to do and/or was too busy to do. It was difficult but in do so, I stopped resenting other people for asking me to do things and blaming them for my inability to speak my heart and mind even in the smallest ways. To be clear: these were not just work or drudgery but fun things too. I was no longer saying Yes, resenting them for something I created with my fear of saying No. That was step one in creating balance in a chaotic world: building my days with things I felt more invested in. I looked for jobs that mattered to me, to finding like minded people at jobs I was in and taking time to get to know them and enjoy them. 

As I let some things and people go, I was intentional about what if anything I put back in my days. I  learned that the universe abhors a vacuum so if I didn’t fill my days with things that I wanted or needed to do that other stuff would float in and jam me all up again. I learned to book time on my work calendar to get actual work done that came up in meetings and then actually did the work during those slots. I protected my scheduled time to get those things done and the result was I didn’t run from meeting to meeting with no time to get projects done. I took that idea and booked in lunches with co-workers, 15-minute walk breaks in the morning and afternoon. I started being proactive in all areas of where, with who, and how I spent my time. I built in space to stop, breathe and appreciate the moments of where I was and who I was with. Mostly it was just stopping my head spinning and being in the moment. Putting down the mental check list of To Do’s and stepping outside my head. It helped me jump off the hamster wheel I was on. 

It was not only important to schedule things that I wanted to do, and things that helped me stay on track at work but also things I didn’t always want to do but needed to. Working out, food shopping, batch cooking for the week. I developed routines to ensure that those things happened in concert to keep the fussy two-year-old in my brain that only wants to do what she wants to do at bay. I didn’t want her running this part of my life. I started to sketch out a routine that was flexible enough to accommodate my fussy two-year-old self and my adulting self so that I was supporting  where I was but most importantly where I wanted to go.

 I started to realize what I was thinking of as drudgery and chores was actually self-care, self-love. I was nurturing myself and started to find recipes I wanted to learn and took my time enjoying buying groceries and cooking for myself. I took time to stretch my body and move it. These activities were no longer things I had to do but ways to care for my body in appreciation for what it did for me. I flipped the script in my head to the point where these things became more enjoyable, not always, not every day but when I did that pause and looked at the moment, I could feel it. 

I learned to ensure flexibility and sanity. I stopped booking commitments back-to-back. Mostly because I don’t have a teleporter, so travel is needed and has to be accounted for even if I was walking across the hall, campus or town. I built in wiggle room for traffic, bathroom breaks, wandering time, a pause and the just in case window. Part of not running through my day is literally not to be running through my day because I over booked. There are also windows in my day with nothing planned, this is to take advantage of how I feel in the moment. As an example, 25 years ago I came to claim Sunday mornings holy days just for me, no commitments, no people or plans out in the world, just home time to recharge. Over time I took the whole day for prep for the week and quiet time just for me. As an introvert I learned I need alone time so taking Sundays has helped me find and keep some balance. I know many extroverts who also need downtime, in fact anyone with a pulse. 

Knowing that I needed some downtime between social engagements taught me not to double book social commitments in one day. I might have play time with a friend for part of my day, even a chunk of it, but then left the evening to myself and visa a versa. If I didn’t choose what I wanted my day to look like and fill my time intentionally it got filled with other people’s stuff. When this happened, or happens, where I am over committed, I become overwhelmed and cranky. I start to feel boxed in, anxious and my head gets cluttery. Being vigilant about how I spend my time became second nature. 

Balance is not a static thing where once you achieve it you are set. It is a dance of constant micro adjustments to respond to internal signals of what we want and need and external responsibilities, expectations and the spin of the world. If you were to stand on one foot in this moment you could feel and see your foot making those constant micro adjustments to keep you up right and standing. The exact same thing is true to in balancing your life. By taking the knowledge of ourselves and what we know about our historical reactions to events and pressures we can make adjustments for the best possible outcome for us. It is harder work in the beginning but after a while, like a balance practice of standing on one foot, it becomes steadier, easier and muscle memory. That is what life balance becomes in many ways. 

In learning who I was and what I needed got me past survive mode into thrive mode. By paying attention and listening to my internal signals of what I needed and wanted allowed me to quiet   what the world or those around me expected. We get messages like lean in, work harder, stay busy that are focused solely on achieving but those external messages are not taking into account the natural cycles in how we grow and learn or our unique talents, proclivities and desires. It is up to us to figure out how best to work in the world honoring who we are and pushing ourselves to our fullest expression of ourselves. What we cannot do is fit the mold others push us toward. So many of my clients are trying to change their true nature and what feels best to them because they don’t fit what is deemed the proper mold for a manager, for an executive, for adulting. There is no one way to move through this world. Our job is to look inside, nurture ourselves, do the work of figuring out who we really are and what makes us tick and then create systems, processes, opportunities for ourselves to thrive. It is also important to connect with others who see us for who we are and support, love and encourage us in our journey for wholeness and balance. 

To learn more about my Coaching practice and book a free sample session go to trueroadtraveler@com or send me a note at trueroadtraveler@gmail.com

To read more of my work or subscribe to this blog go to quirkandcircumstances.com or https://medium.com/@pearhater4rl

Follow me on Instagram @kbfreeburg

Posted in Being Open, Change, choices, foundation of change, Gratitude, Happiness, Health and Wellness, intent, Listening, Stress, Stressed Out | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment