It’s all about intent…ya, ya, ya, we know that. I know that in spades. Do I always pay attention to my intent? Do I pay attention to my words and how what I say creates and mirrors my beliefs, attitude and all the baggage that comes with that in a very tangible way? Uh some days not so much… But other days I am very clear. The first rule of interaction with others is to “do no harm” as far as I see it. I really try my best to live by that. I sometimes don’t remember to apply that to myself however. That being said it does not mean I don’t hurt people’s feelings; it is just not my intent to do so. Sometimes just by choosing to be who I am instead of who they would like me to be can hurt feelings, but that is their struggle not mine. I choose me, because if I am not healthy, balanced and well, I am no good to anyone. I am also a major cranky-pants, and yes that is a textbook psychological term.
So this past May was a cranky-pants fest for me. I don’t think I was too bad to those around me because they are still around. I was however, a major pain in the ass to myself and the village of idiots who live inside of me. I woke up angry or frustrated for three weeks in a row. I was having crazy dreams then nothing, like someone dropped a curtain and the wizard was back there working like a fiend only I was not invited to this party. I can only repeat what a wise woman told me, “When you’re a student you don’t benefit from looking at the lesson plan. You do best to focus on what has been presented to you and not what is coming.” I was intent on what was coming, it felt like nadda and it felt like that for a long time. I was having faith issues to say the least. Faith in myself, the Universe, that I would feel good again and that Liza with an M will find happiness.
I went up to Encinitas, a town I love, to the meditation garden, walked on the beach, ate good food, did a lot of things that felt good even though some of them left tiny scars. But I could not right myself. I railed at the Universe, which is a first for me. I generally don’t get angry for long much less yell at the sky and shake my fists. I can do Scarlet just not that flavor, I am more a “fiddly-dee” girl than a “as god as my witness”. I yelled into the ether about what was wrong and what I needed. I did a lot of bitching, moaning, futzing and got nothing. I wish I could tell you I had an epiphany or an Ah ha moment. The closest I got was in week three was I realized I got nothing because I was doing all the talking. No listening.
I was not letting go of my expectations of how the help, happiness and relief should arrive. I was still holding that list of what it should look like, to the detail of size, color and nanosecond of arrival. How I got to the next step was I got tired simple as that. I gave up trying. I just said hell I can eat cat food, I can live in box, I can sell what I have for a bit to maintain. I can’t control anything but me and I am doing a shitty job of that so I choose to go have more fun and let it all go. I choose to stop trying so damn hard and just go with the current.
After having that conversation with two different people on Friday I woke up on Saturday morning calm and what felt like happy. I was not going to rush to judgment so I lounged with a caffeinated beverage to be sure. Turns out I had let it go and was feeling great. Then all hell broke loose in a good way, the damn of goodness busted open and I was shocked and felt like a Class A idiot for being the one to create this in the first place. I know better, I have done better but this time I did not. I fell down the rat hole and hung out a while. I think we all do that, we get spun up on what we thought would happen, what we want to happen and we don’t see what really is happening. My intent was not to make my life a crankfest for three weeks but I was successful at it. My intent to “do no harm” was out the window when it came to me. I totally sabotaged myself and will take a look at that. But not today, that work is a little ways down the road so I can get some perspective on it and more lightness under my belt. Right now I need to laugh with my friends, get into some trouble and have a boatload of fun. It’s a tough job but somebody has to do it!