Words are tricky twisty things. Don’t get me wrong I love them, I just don’t trust them. I trust action; action bears shades of intention and truth. Not wholly mind you but enough to get a bead on, enough to steer into or away from someone or something. Your best tools are your gut, your intuition, faith in yourself and your moral compass. The most important word in that sentence is ‘your’; not your teachers’, not your parents’, not your lovers’, not your best friends’, and not your religious icon/pop stars’. It’s easier to look outside ourselves for the answers, seek out experts, not so easy to go within and trust ourselves much less make peace with what we find there. I am sure this was even more difficult for Diane Duyser of Hollywood, Florida who put half of a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary up for action on eBay in 2004.
“Mrs Duyser says she noticed the image burned into her sandwich as she was about to tuck into it in autumn 1994. ‘I went to take a bite out of it, and then I saw this lady looking back at me,’ she said, according to the Chicago Tribune.” Mrs Duyser went on to say, ‘the sandwich has never gone moldy since she made it 10 years ago.’”
I think having faith for Mrs Duyser was difficult in the beginning but the lucky break of wining 70k at a local casino helped her hold true to her vision of the Velveeta Virgin. The universe is a kind and generous place and there are signs of that everywhere. Of course if you are looking for signs of death and destruction they are out there as well. How you see things are how they are, simple as that. Not so simple to change your orientation of glass half full, half empty or what the fuck I’m gonna spill it anyway… but it can be done.
We can’t control what goes on around us, we sometimes have some small influence but we own how we react to what is presented to us in any given situation. We have control over ourselves and we have the choice of being accountable for our actions or not. You show up or you choose to deflect, defer or keep so busy you can’t get still enough to hear your truth. There are lots of different ways to get lost out there, but only one way home. But you say you need an expert opinion? You don’t trust the words of a champagne soaked, red headed slacker Amazonian princess… fine be that way. Here’s what a few crusty old dead guys have to say:
“To find yourself, think for yourself.” — Socrates
“Self –trust is the essence of heroism.” — Emerson
“Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.” – Goethe
A brilliant sensitive man once told me he only lied to himself. I pointed out that if we only lie to ourselves we in fact live a lie and lie to everyone around us. I understand it’s hard to trust yourself enough to be who you are no matter what those around you are thinking or doing. Really it’s spooky stuff. People want you to be nice, to be cooperative, and to be complacent. Anyone who knows me knows I am none of those things; I can be when I choose, but I rarely do.
I choose cranky when I am tired or hungry, I choose to cheer folks on when I believe in and love them however annoying that can be, I choose to stop and marvel like a three year old at small flowers on public walkways that peek up between the cracks of concrete. I also choose that when someone pokes at me with a pointy stick enough I stop letting them get within range. I am not a well-liked woman in many circles but I am well loved in a few, and that counts more than I can say. That is all that matters. Finding your truth, your true north and holding fast to that. That is your currency in life and that is where you shine.
Words are beautiful things but that is all they are unless your words, thoughts, and deeds are aligned. There are two ways to make choices either from a place of love or a place of fear. Only one works… no guess on which one. When I look back to where I messed up I came from a place of fear. I was afraid of rejection, confrontation, being found lacking so I did something out of fear or avoided something or someone because of fear. When I do that things go in the crapper. When I do something based on love– I am not talking about being in love I am talking about kindness, compassion, love… love–well things seem to work out; even though they might not be easy they are always right.
So this is a lot musings in the ether, in the philosophy of living and a little bit of grilled cheese. Sometimes that is all life is a wandering about, looking inside and finding out what you are hungry for, and sometimes that is a blessed grilled cheese sandwich. Bon appetite.